Making the Right Decisions

Is there Such a thing in life. Making the right decision. Or is it at the very point in time the decision is right and that's the only time its rite to the core? I have many times made decisions which i thought were the right ones, then after executing it, it just turns out to be so wrong.

Is that why they say you should't base your decision just on your own but always bring it up to the Lord. I have done that too. But the sad thing is , I cannot ever hear when I most want to hear from Him. Or maybe He is speaking to me but due to my human nature, I don't hear him?

These last few months has been really tough for me. I know everyone I know out there is probably fedup of talking to me. But I try. i do. I apply for job, i moved on from my old job.I try to make the right decisions but alas it all fails me.

I read the bible to know whats God's message is for me. But i don't see it. Almost every nite for the past few months I have been crying. Tears always streaming down. Not that I don't want to snap out of it, I don't know how. I am so afraid to make anymore decisions as each one i make I just fall deeper.

I would love to be able to have a dream again. To do what i want without having to worry about what my parents would do to me when they find out I want to leave the country and move somewhere else and not kill me about the new condo. Quit my job when i want to. Travel far and see the world without having to worry about money. Singing and laughing and writing and just being happy. But dare not as dreams are only dreams they don't make out reality or very seldom do.

Who am I? Thats what I need to discover once more. But Who can help me answer?
What talents do I have? the bible says, God has given everyone gifts of the spirit, talents, uniqueness of personality to help this world. But what's mine? I always feel I have no talent and no gifts. Recently after reading the bible, i asked myself, I do have the gift of being able to speak well in front of people, i have good communications skills. But is that enough to get me anywhere? Everyone looks at certs. Funny thing after 8 years in working life and having a degree people still look at SPM results. mad.

Anyways............ what makes a good decision?

Seeing a Shrink ...?

The week started off okay. Was in some course for 2 days. So the week passed by pretty quick. But after that the anxiety continued on. I was pondering and I realised this inability to sleep and waking up at odd hours has gone quite far. Today after I woke up, i just felt this ache all over. So Yesterday evening, i decided to go see my friend who is a dr. Prior to this I have already contacted him and asked where to seek help esp for people like me who is depressed over everything.

We spoke for awhile. I mentioned that I have lack of confidence to do anything. It just became worse as the time went by. At least in O , i could still take it until I was actually transferred to consulting and that really crushed everything. He mentioned that lack of confidence is the result of being depressed coz you feel you're not good enough for anything. Well to cut a long story short, he suggested that i join some activity may it be church or anything so that I have some support. He doesn't believe that i need to see a real shrink but feels that i need to mix with people more to get support and maybe eventually find out what the world has to offer me. Which is quite true.

I told him about how I was thinking about quitting and doing some charity work or church work but I am afraid to do it. Thinking about not having an income is really scary. Is that step too drastic? Or is it me not wanting to take that step being afraid that I might like it too much? Could that be my calling but I decided to shun it away.

I have no answers at the moment but I would need to find the answers soon. I am going to be a year older next year and whats going to happen then? Is this going to follow me thru out my life?

kitaro.......

Okie, so yesterday, i had the privilege to go watch Kitaro's concert at Genting's. Well free tics mind you and VIP seats sommore. But what turned out initially to be a good outing got me to be really pissed off.

So what happened you might ask!? Well, firstly the concert was at 8pm. But my friend who got the tics said i need to be in her house at 12.30pm coz they - the rest of the people wanted to go early. Okie what she neglected to tell me was that , 12.30 was so that she could go to the gym and work out while i waited like a ding dong for her for 3 hours!!!!!!! Then dilly dally only drove up to Genting at 5pm. Imagine i wasted my whole afternoon for nothing. I was already in a bad mood. I mean you don't waste people's time like that rite? And brother!!!! you please tell the truth the next time. People's time ain't for you to waste around.

Then got up to gentings with this hell driver who never bothered about our safetly. Drove like a maniac. Talks alot of bullshit and thinks he is some hot shot. Pity the gf who laughs at his every stupid and idiotic jokes. He looks like a bull but truely has a brain the size of a pea. Some what if you can imagine Brutus in popeye to be, he is resembles that alot.

WE got to the concert. LATE!!!! coz my friend invited her hair dresser and he came bloodee late. 15 minutes after 8pm he was still not there!!!!! malaysians and their sense of time!!!!

Got in there.. seats were VIP but cacat!!!! cos its all the same level so you pretty much only see the person infront of you - the back of their heads. Unless you're super duper tall. Okie then concert started. Pretty good. But half way thru, the song lulabbied me into ZZZzzzZZZ hahahaha. but overall its good.

Then the irritating speciments started their characters again. Well.... drove like a maniac down and it was 2am when i got to my friend's house and i had to drive back to home sommore. Mom called while i was driving.... coz she was worried. I thought they were very inconsiderate, coz they knew i was suppose to drive back home (the rest are being chaufferred home). Yet they dilly dallied after the show.... makan minum cakap bnayak2 then while in the restaurant tak nak pergi toilet, while walking to the car park then they said they want to go toilte.. BUGGERS. I already marah sgt. THen the gal the gave us the tics never ceased to stop reminding us that we owe her big time. In my heart, you INVITED us. So whats with the remark. Rite? So much for being a friend and being sincere about the invitiation.

Too hoots to them.
Ciao.

Making it thru the week

Its now 1 week since the passing of Sarah. I just don't know how to begin to tell my story. Eventhough its been a week, sometimes when I drive to work or from work or just sitting down doing nothing and I think of Sarah, my tears will just flow.
Eventhough I myself have seen her waving good bye and smiling to me during one of the prayers but still I can't seem to be able to accept that she has gone from this good earth.
Maybe this is also coupled with my emotional state at the moment. Everyday waking up is like an agony. At times, I ask that my life be taken too. But I know that's wrong and sinful but truely, have you ever walked about as though you're without a soul? I do. Almost constantly I am in this state.
Making it worse, the time at work just passes so slowly - always so draggy. I dont' know which is worse, being too busy untill you brains is about to burst or having too much time in hand that you actually write the interval of hours in a paper and striking each hour off as the hour come to meet you.
Dad will be going tomorrow to see the doctor. There is an arteri which is 100% blocked. So I can assume my dad is very nervous after the case of Sarah. Well, just have to pray.
I was invited to watch Kitaro's concert at Gentings tomorrow. Hmmm.. Well i was informed to Dress nice. whatever that definition is. Funny thing is I shop but I still dont' really have nice clothes hahaha. Hmmm...

correction to the previous post

Just wanted to amend the sentence

"After years of sufferring, she is not I pray in peace."

which is suppose to read

"After years of sufferring, she is now I pray in peace."

Let me begin by saying. I actually wrote an entry yesterday but while trying to save it, the broswer hung and all the typing was gone.

On 8th September 2004, my sister in law was called back to the Lord. After years of sufferring, she is not I pray in peace. At 12.30am on Wed (8/9/04), the phone was ringing at 12.30am. My brother was on the phone, he said " Ling, ask mummy to light a candle for Sarah. she is not breathing already" Then before i could ask anything, he started to cry and hung up. I called up my mom and informed her while we lighted a candles for her. My younger brother and my uncle immediate drove up to the hospital.

Upon their return, we were informed that Sarah is in icu and she cannot longer sustain breathing on her own and had to be placed on life support. We were all praying for her. I prayed and prayed for her unable to sleep the whole night. Praying that God will regain her consciousness. All I could think of was her two young children, my nephew who is 4 and my niece who is 7. Both will be too young to comprehend what has happened to their mother.

I feel so sad too that i didn't get to see her before all this has happened. I regret not visitng during her last stay at the hospital. I was due to see her on wed but she pased before i could.

It was my brother who drove her body back from the hospital with her younger brother craddling her body in the car. My brother seemed so composed and strong but I am sure his emtions are even more in turmoil than mine. My brother was with her during her stay in the hospital which was more than 1 week already before her passing.

But being only human, my mom said he broke down shortly before the kids were due. He just couldn't stop crying.

Emotions are so high at the moment but i would say, at least today I am able to speak without tears streaming down like as though I have no control of it.

THe saddest part was when I went to my brother's house with the kids who were still at my house. They saw the tent and the amount of people they didn't want to alight from the car. My brother then came out and hold their hands and brought them in. I heard him telling the older gal that " you must remember mummy". As both were afraid to look at the casket. The younger one I heard him asking my brother " why cannot see mummy's body".

Its so sad. They cannot comprehend ....

Yesterday I went there and as i entered the house i bless the casket with holy water. And i saw little anthony. I asked him whether he would like to place holly water. He said to me " I already do it many many times, so mummy can wake up" So sad.. tears were brimming in my eyes already.

Its funny how sometimes, when the person is around, we do not appreciate them when they are gone we miss them, we have regrets on things we didn't do for them. Thoughts started pouring into our minds.

I will not forget the words she said to me when I saw her in the hospital few months ago when she was first diagnosed with cancer that is after years of sufferring with SLE lupus. She said that all her life she has already been unhappy, depressed, worried. She told me this " Be happy, do things that you will make you happy and that you like". I will always remember that.

Eternal Rest grant unto her Oh Lord and let perpetual light shine upon her and may Sarah's sould Rest in Peace. Amen.

Life is painful

Today, I had the shock of my life. There's this customer i met while I was still at O. He was a customer who attended the same training I did. He is a foreigner who worked here for 7 years. I mentioned WORKED becoz he has since left to go back to his homeland. But being out of the country for so long, obviously he hated the lifestyle back home now.

I can relate to that as during the initial period when I got home from the states, everything just seemed wrong in every aspect. As time went by, I beginning to appreciate my family. I still dislike somethings but I learned to appreciate some things too.

Today I saw him over the chat, he had seemed very uncommunicative of late. But I just shook it off as you know, maybe I am just a bore and he didn't want to talk. For the few times we chatted over the months, he kept saying to me " Mystic, learn to love yourself".

Today he told me that he is at the verge of suicide and he couldn't contain himself from shedding tears. That reminded me of myself just last week. Last friday after breaking down like a psycho, i went to church to find solace. I wish i could be there for him, hold his hand and tell him that i am here to support him. Its so very different when you're miles apart and you have this friend that is feeling so much pain within and doesn't know what to do. I can totally relate to that. Its so sad. I saw the mirror of myself in him all of a sudden. Coz during that period of pain, I tried calling my so called close friends none bothered to pick up the phone none bothered to call me back. It felt so alone and you feel like you've been crushed.

Let me share with you. All this past year i have known him, he had been this strong person. Strongest i have ever met. One that knew what he wanted out of life. One who is educated, one who spoke afew languages, one who gave up a mgt position to be an ordinary DBA/programmer. One who just recently got a good offer to work in canada for 3 months and then going back again for another 3 months. He was due to go in the next couple of weeks. Then this sudden break down really shocked me. There was no signs. I guess being in this situation is more lethal than ever.

He mentioned that he received this document that says, "people who love you always leave you, people whom you hate always stick around." Well i certainly hope that's not true. Maybe its loneliness that is crippling him. maybe just like me, he has lost sight of what he is fighting for, what he's goal is. He isn't telling me whats the true reason but kept saying its too late. But whatever it is, I will say a prayer for him as I know how awful and draining and what it makes you feel like doing " end your life". Some people think its a joke, but truely, they will never really know if they have never ever been in that situation. Its almost crippling. When you try but its just engulfs you so tight that you do wish you were dead.

I have a friend let's call her, J. She had life easy so she views that there shouldn't be problem in the world. She can't comprehend it and i dont' think she will ever be able to comprehend it. I hated it so much when she sits on her high horse and lectures. To me, don't preach about something you have no experience in and think that theory can help you solve it.

Maybe people like us just needs a listening ear, a sympathetic heart and an encouraging word. Is that so hard to give to someone you call FRIEND?

Pondering

I was going thru my email and i realized that since i placed my name in the match.com.my. Maybe its becoz its an MY site. I have been getting emails but less now than before. But majority are from indians nah.

Made me think really. Lets see. My best friend for years used to be an indian gal. Knew her since kindergarten and up to now am still friends but am not that close no more. That happened after she met mr right and then disappeared from the face of the earth. And now she has surfaced back but i guess we have all along been able to pick off where we left off but i realised to a certain extent the friendship is no longer the same.

Then i looked at my working life. The same thing occur. During my first job - same thing , got to know indian gal first. Then at O also same thing, good friend at work was indian. hmmm..

Then in match. com the same old thingy!!! makes me wonder really. Whats the connection I have with indians.

Funnily my mom when she speaks on the phone, many times people have thought that she is indian. AHHAHA. Maybe its in the genes huh. Too bad though, look wise I am totally chinese.

There was once when i went for this mastery thingy with Y and her husband and myself. It was private session ya. Anyways.. during one session, Y mentioned to the instructor that she has always thought she wanted to marry a chinese and her husband is actually indian. So the instructor asked her, how did that come about? The instructor said somehow inside her she never really affiliated herself to being indian. Either she didn't like being indian or somewhat close to that reasoning. When the instructor said that, i thought about myself. All my life, I didn't like being chinese. I have always thought. Chinese ah.. looks also one kind, hidung penyek, mata sepet. Tak cun langsung. hehehe. Hmmm. maybe unconsciously, I am creating all this attraction to indian. But funny thing is, I dont' think I want to end up with one unless the person is not too indian like. Maybe its just that I like the way, they look ( some of them at least), big eyes, high nose. Something that I dont' posses? Could be.

Thinking alot of about what to do lately. I have decided to be very honest with myself. I realized that deep down inside, I wanted a job but not a job that is too bz or stress nor a job that is just plain boring and nothing to do. I am looking for the median. I have also been honest stating that no matter what people say about oh well at least you get 1 n 3 sat off. It still doesnt' make me feel better. I want to work only 5 days a week.

Then I thought, I want the EM job. But then as I was told during the int, might get calls at nite wor.... do i want that. But its working hours is 5 days loh. MNC loh. I think that's waht I want.

Then i tried to be honest with myself what i dont' like about this current place. Okay I have to be honest, its not as bad as the previous dickhead place but still... there is soemthing still missing. What bugs me the most is the process of getting a bloody software installed. Its been freaking 2 weeks plus, they still haven't installed the O software i need. Gosh.... imagine.. its pretty shitty if you ask me. Too slow a pace, too political how email flies, too much gossipping going around. Pening kepala!!!! Too far from every damn place. I know some people will say, so what.. this area all small things. Yeah small things that eventually gets to you.. little by little.

Considering going to emaus center today! wonder if i should, or should i really prep myself first.

On last thursday, I had dinner with a friend who now relocated back to malaysia from sg. While i was talking to her , she told me that she can sense I am breaking. I told her its true. I feel so close to having a nervous breakdown. at the end of dinner , she said, i noticed you're very concern about what your parents want and expect of you.. what your boss expect of you. But what does "you" want?

so who am I? Where should i start to rediscover myself? How do I begin?